How to Keep Me From Killing You in a Parking Lot

Ha! Now there’s a title for you. This is a post about how to drive in parking lots. Don’t worry; I’m probably not literally going to kill anyone for driving badly in a parking lot. If I were, I’d have done it a long time ago. Or maybe even today, but my parking lot experience motivated me to write this instead. So everyone is fine.

Here are a few tips for you, you bad parking lot driver:

1.   You know those octagonal red signs that say stop? It would really, really help me a lot if you’d, oh I don’t know – STOP when you come to one of those. Just to be clear, “octagonal” means “8-sided.” If you don’t want to take the time to count the sides and just the word “STOP” on a red sign isn’t convincing enough for you, just look for a red sign that would otherwise be round, but was likely hit many times by drivers like you. That will be a stop sign. Stop at it.

2.  In America, we drive on the right side of the streets. So helpfully, at some point someone came up with the idea that we should do the same thing in parking lots, too. If a car (possibly driven by me) is coming toward you, move your car to the right.

3.  If you are driving a large SUV or van and you see a space near your store, but that space is too small for you, you’re going to have to settle down and get over your excitement, and find another space. I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is. You only have yourself to blame for driving such a large vehicle.

I’m not saying I have anything against large vehicles. I do, however, have something against large vehicles that try to get into small parking spaces, and in the process put themselves at weird angles, half-in and half-out of the space, still blocking the area so other drivers like me can’t get by, and who keep making attempt after attempt to get into that small space, not thinking about how you’re going to get your large doors opened once you get into the space, if in fact by some act of God you manage to get your boat in there.

So if the above paragraph describes your experience, and you notice a gray Pathfinder suddenly backing up and finding another space, far away from you, and then notice a guy in the store giving you the stinkeye, it may be time to either A) get a smaller car, B) shop someplace else, or C) find a way to not be in the parking lot when I’m planning to be there.

Not that I’m bitter about anything specific, of course.

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