I have mixed feelings about awards shows. On the one hand, it seems we go through an awful lot of trouble the first three months of the year to pat ourselves on the back for trivial accomplishments. I mean, it’s just entertainment, for heaven’s sake. So, the whole awards show thing is a bit odd to me to begin with.
However, it seems to me that even with the plethora of award shows we have, we might as well add a few more. Here are my suggestions for more award shows:
1. The White Music Awards – it’s time someone spoke up about this, and I’m qualified. I’m White, and I’m a musician. We have awards shows catering to Black music, and to Latin music. I’m not begrudging the rightful recipients of those fine awards, however, White people are being left out. The show could be held in the midwest somewhere.
2. The “Who In Their Right Mind Would Watch This” Awards – includes such fine productions as The Surreal Life, and many of the UPN shows.
3. The Animated Awards – this is a cool idea. There should be an awards show for animated characters – Bart Simpson, Hank Hill, etc. There could be awards for best lead animated actor, best supporting animated actor, and best animated cameo appearance by an actual celebrity drawn to look like an animated character. Also, there could be lifetime achievement awards for characters like Fred Flintstone and George Jetson. AND, the awards show itself should be animated! That would be really cool – when characters’ names are announced, they could run up to the stage from their seats with that cool cartoon running sound, and the losers could get mad and hit each other with frying pans.
4. The “Dumb Things Said & Done By Religious People Awards” – There’s a lot to work with here – Pat Robertson, the SBC Hurricane Volunteers who wouldn’t give water in Busch-labeled cans, The American Family Association, etc. (Just to be fair, I have to say there are things I’ve said and done that would probably qualify me for that award)
5. The C-Span Awards – probably not a big ratings grabber, but obviously people watch those channels. The awards show could be scheduled for 2 or 3 a.m., when C-Span nerds are still awake, watching senators vote.
6. The “Paid Programming” Awards – late at night when I can’t sleep and I’m looking for something to watch, I’ve noticed that channel after channel simply has the words “Paid Programming.” Clearly, this is a growing genre of entertainment which should be recognized.
7. The Movie Theater Food Awards – Hey, it’s still entertainment-related. Categories could include “Most Realistic Looking Nacho Cheese,” “Most Expensive Popcorn,” and “Largest Soft Drink Cup.”
8. The “I Know You’re Famous, But What Exactly For?” Awards – contenders include Star Jones, Paris Hilton, and many of the Expert Guest Commentors on CNN.
9. The Most Bizzarre Singing Performance in a Film Role Awards – my vote continues to be with Margot Kidder in the first “Superman” film, for her unbelievable performance of “Can You Read My Mind?”
10. The Celebrity Combination Name Awards – I’m referring of course to such names as “Brangelina” (Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie), and “Tomkat” (Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes). There aren’t a huge amount of these name combinations out there yet, but I think there should be. If there was an awards show for it, I’m sure the practice would really take off and we’d see some really cool combinations. I’m thinking about introducing Kelley and I as “Chelley.”