The title of this post says it all – with Paula Abdul leaving American Idol this season, the producers are having to do some quick scrambling and last-minute changes. But being the helpful guy I am, I’m willing to become the new judge.

But, in the interest of openness, there are few things I need to say to the producers. First, I didn’t really watch the show the first couple of seasons. Then, I kind of watched it a little for a few years, but I was also working full time and going to school at that time, so we used to Tivo it and I’d try to catch some of it. And like most people, I always liked the first few months when the people auditioning were just plain horrible and bizzarre. The rest of the show got a little boring.

Finally, I stopped watching it this past season. Partly because I moved and don’t have Tivo in my new place, and it was too much trouble to make sure I was home on whatever night(s) it was on. I could never keep that straight. But mainly, I thought the judges (or maybe producers) chose some really average people to continue on after “Hollywood Week,” and that they let some really interesting people go at that time. So it didn’t bother me to just stop watching it.

I actually can’t remember who won – and can’t remember much of anything about the top several contestants. Maybe that also says something about the quality of contestants this year. I think I remember one of them wore glasses.

So – why would someone like me be a good American Idol judge, with my lack of knowledge and apathy about the show?

1.  I like money. And I’m pretty sure there would be money involved.

2.  I know a good performance from a mediocre or bad performance. Not as a matter of opinion, but as a person who is musically educated and musically experienced. I’m OK with telling people what was good about their performance, and what was bad. So Simon can continue as the “mean judge,” Randy can continue as the “yo dog, it didn’t really work for me man” judge, and Kara can continue as whatever she is. I would just be the judge who offers a clear opinion.

3.  Unlike Paula, I’m able to put complete thoughts into complete sentences.

4.  Well, I don’t really have another reason, but #1 bears repeating. I really enjoy money. I’d be willing to come for a lot less than Paula was offered, which would still be a considerable step up for me.

So, American Idol Producers, if you can reach me via this blog. I’m sure we can quickly come to an agreement. I’d be willing to suck it up and pretend to, uh, I mean, actually pay attention to the show for at least one season.