Tonight there was a debate (more of a mass informercial really) among the top ten of the 471 Republicans who hope to be President next year. I watched it, giving it all the attention and seriousness it warranted. Then later, inspired by my friend Britt’s completely unrelated Facebook photo and post, I thought this would have made a good question for tonight’s debate…
Moderator: Here’s a question for all the candidates – When it comes to brownies, do you prefer the middle, the edges, or the corners? We’ll start with Generic Republican Cadidate #3.
GRC#3: First I’d like to say how grateful I am to be here tonight to talk about the real issues that matter to the American people, and of course desert items are part of what made America great: if I’m elected, I’ll do everything in my power to close the border in order to stop the unfair advantages Mexican brownie manufacturers have had over your own local bakery.
GRC#8: Once again he’s not addressing the real issue; he didn’t answer the question. I’ll answer it, but first let me say my father was a mailman and we could rarely afford brownies. When, not if, but when I’m elected I’ll make sure there are brownies on every table of every home in America. Oh, the middle by the way.
GRC#1: Of course he likes the middle; he’s afraid to take a position on anything. Who’s supposed to pay for all these brownies? This is nothing more than another entitlement. I, on the other hand, have always liked the edge – I’ve always been on the leading edge and not afraid to say it. If people want brownies, I’ll make sure they have good jobs so they can afford to buy brownie mix. Of course, Our current president lacks any kind of leadership skills and wouldn’t even be able to make this kind of decision. He’s made our brownies a laughing stock around the world. My first day in office, I’ll reverse that. You laugh at an American brownie, we’re coming after you.
Ben Carson M.D.: Excuse me… I’m just wondering if I’ll have a chance to speak tonight?
Moderator: We’ll get to you in a moment, Dr. Carson.
GRC#5: I’d like to point out that of all the candidates here, I’m the only one who has ever actually made brownies.
All Other Generic Republic Candidates: That’s not true… I’ve made brownies from scratch…My mother made brownies for the whole neighborhood… I can’t eat brownies because I’m diabetic but I still make them for others because I care, etc.
Donald Trump: People who make brownies are stupid.
GRC#6: Really, Mr. Trump expresses in his own unique way the sentiments of the everyday American; the brownies, cheesecake and cookies my dad fought for in World War II are in danger of becoming a thing of the past. That’s not the America I grew up in.
Donald Trump: (makes that weird gesture with his lips).
Moderator: Dr Ben Carson, do you have a final word?
Ben Carson M.D.: Yes, I’d like to mention that I’m the only one standing here tonight who has ever separated a pair of conjoined twins. Not that that’s in the President’s job description, but I’m just saying. And if I’m elected I’ll use my superior surgical skills to cut brownie options you’ve never dreamed of.