How to Install Outdoor Christmas Lights

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1. Go to garage to get the lights, which you packed last year in a place that would be easy to find.
2. After opening 11 boxes of Christmas stuff and moving countless items, get the lights you packed last year in a place that would be easy to find.
3. Get new cool ladder, which you purchased earlier this year on sale, with this day in mind.
4. With lightning speed and cat-like precision, begin clipping the lights onto the gutter, amazed at your efficiency.
5. Stop to wonder how that tree branch, which was never in your way before, grew so much since last December.
6. Carefully dodge the ants that are living in the tree branch that grew so much since last December.
7. After noticing the wasps flying around the tree that grew so much since last December, make a strategic decision to leave those few lights unclipped to the gutter for now.
8. Finish clipping the rest of the lights to the gutter, and hurry back to the tree, where, in a life-threatening move, you quickly install the remaining lights into their clips and attach to the gutter. All the while, keeping an eye out for the wasps.
9. Happily notice that the lights you intended to hang in the tree that grew so much since last December are actually STILL IN the tree that grew so much since last December, having never been removed last year.
10. Move on to the other, smaller tree, and install its lights, taking a moment afterwards to brush the ants away from your clothing.
11. Go back to the garage to look for the special extension cord you bought last year specifically for the purpose of plugging in the ant-filled tree lights.
12. Go to Lowe’s and purchase a new extension cord for plugging in the ant-filled tree lights.
13. Look up at the house to admire your work.
14. While looking up at the house, take note of 7 lights that are not working. Climb up and down the cool new ladder several times to tighten the bulbs, which solves the problem for all but one light.
15. Go to the last nonfunctional light, and twist it a few times. Notice with amazement how all the lights go out when you accidentally break the bulb, leaving part of it in the socket.
16. Decide that since you never liked that particular string of lights anyway, you’ll find different ones in the garage.
17. Move boxes out of the garage rafters, eventually finding other lights you like better – along with last year’s extension cord.
18. Begin attempting to install newly found lights onto the house, only to discover you need more of those plastic light clip things. Return to Lowe’s, purchase them, and return home.
19. Begin the process of installing plastic light clip things onto newly-chosen lights. Soon realize there aren’t enough light clip things.
20. Make a decision to return to Lowe’s tomorrow, and then warm up leftover Thanksgiving mashed potatoes, content that you’ve nearly finished a 30-minute job in just under 4 hours.
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2 Responses to How to Install Outdoor Christmas Lights

  1. Eileen McGrath says:

    Whatever….I am so done with all this. I admire the efforts of all….I’m just not into it anymore.
    I would be good if there were no man-made holidays. I promise. Have at it : )

  2. Or……Step 1: Marvel at the handiwork of your neighbors who spent the time and money to make their house look festive the crawl into your Snuggie and watch a movie. Now, it’s not in a Bah, Humbug way, it’s more like “I did a cost-benefit analysis on Christmas decorations for this year, and the numbers said: Don’t Bother.”
    Merry Christmas!

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