The Republican National Convention is lame.

I understand that they had to tone it down and shift a little with the hurricane, but this thing has been  beyond boring. And I’m probably voting for McCain. But if I was undecided, this week wouldn’t have helped them win me over. For heaven’s sake, can’t anyone in this party give a good speech?

These guys need a good producer. Because after all, the convention is a show, a spectacle – it’s showbiz. They need to treat it accordingly, like the Democrats did. This week has seemed like the planners were thinking, “Hmm… well, I guess we need to do something. Maybe we can get Bush on video to read the teleprompter in a clumsy way. That’s always exciting. Not.” They should have gotten one of those Chinese guys who worked on the Olympics, they did a nice job, and they’re probably out of work at the moment.

They’re going to have to step it up tomorrow night. Here are my nine suggestions:

1.  Have Palin get really, really angry during her speech. She can start screaming at her critics, and maybe have a shotgun leaning on the side of the podium while she speaks. OR…

2.  Have Palin start freaking out and yelling at her pregnant daughter. Not that she doesn’t love her, and not that she and Mr. Palin aren’t going to do a great job with this, but they must be feeling a lot of frustration and even anger at times with this kid. Why not just let it out and use that emotion to liven the place up? Here’s the ugly truth – everyone hates to be involved in a heated family argument, but we all love to watch them take place. That would get some ratings, baby.

3.  Since McCain told Rick Warren a few weeks ago that he’d follow Osama to the “gates of hell” and bring him to justice, I’m assuming he actually knows where Osama is so he can start following him immediately next January if he gets elected. Of course, he wouldn’t want to tell anyone where Osama is right now, because that would spoil the effect for later. But I’m sure he knows where the guy is. Otherwise why say something like that? Just for political effect? Nonsense. Anyway, I think he should just use his secret Osama knowledge and go pick the guy up, and have him up on the stage handcuffed to a folding chair while he makes his big acceptance speech. That would be sort of dynamic.

4.  For crying out loud, almost anyplace in the world would be more interesting than St. Paul, MN. No offense to people who live there. Actually, maybe there IS some offense; why should I care – I don’t know anyone there. Anyway, it’s time to move this silly little show to a more interesting location – Maui’s always nice, or The Grand Canyon, or Catalina Island. Come on guys, have some imagination. Moving the location might cause a delay for a day or two – like that matters. These people in the audience don’t look like they have anything to do.

5.  Get Garrett Morris from the old SNL to stand next to McCain and do his speech for the hard of hearing (that means he just stands there and yells each line really loud).

6.  Hire a juggler. They’re not that expensive. Heck – get a couple of them. Or a magician. That whole sawing a woman in half thing has always been a crowd pleaser. Maybe they can saw Palin in half (assuming they can put her back together in a timely manner).

7. Stop the whole thing, right now, and postpone it for two weeks, and let Young Life plan it. Those guys are pretty funny.

8.  I have a friend who does cartoon voices. Maybe they could have McCain on the stage giving his speech, but turn his microphone off and let my friend Katie read his speech behind the scenes in a funny voice.

9.  Since they keep milking that P.O.W. story, maybe he could start acting really crazy during his speech, like he’s having a flashback or something.

Sorry, I wish I had more. Come to think of it, I wish the Republicans had more, too.