Dear Spiders Who Hang Out In My Bathroom,

I’m not sure if you read this blog or not. I don’t have that many readers as it is, and it would be disappointing to find out that among the few readers I have, some of them are spiders and not people. Anyway, in case any spiders read my blog, here’s a little word for you.

If I find you in my bathroom, especially in the morning, I’m going to kill you. Many of your friends have already had this experience, and I can promise that if you’re there, especially in the morning, you will die.

See, I’m not a morning person. I’m usually pretty good after I’ve been up for a few hours, but I normally don’t wait a few hours to go to the bathroom in the morning. And when I go in there, there you are – sometimes 3, 4, as much as 7 or 8 of you (like today), usually hanging out where the walls meet the ceiling. Staking out your little spot, as though I’m going to actually let you live there long term.

Sometimes I don’t kill you right away. Sometimes I go in there, scout the place out, and then come back to my living room and enjoy a nice cup of coffee and maybe read the Bible for a while – either online, or in the vintage-but-ever-popular-actual-book format. I have both kinds. And when I’m in the Psalms and read all those rants by David about wanting God to kill his enemies and then I go in there and see you guys – well, I just think, “Hmm… these are kind of like MY enemies at the moment so this seems kind of Biblical, and God has provided a nice broom just for this purpose, so they’re going down.” Then I trap ’em on the broom, shake ’em into the toilet, and they’re gone.

So anyway, I’m not sure if any of you guys read the blog or not – actually, you may not be smart enough to read it, since members of your group seem to repeat the same stupid tactical mistake almost every day and pay with their lives. But just in case any of you read this, maybe you can pass the word along that there are a number of other nice bathrooms on this street, and I’d appreciate it if you’d stay out of mine.

Thanks.

PS – if any animal rights people read this, leave me alone.