Dear Federal Government:

I’ve been trying not to get too involved in your stuff, because A) I’m too busy, B) in some very small way, I still want to trust you to make decent choices once in a great while, and C) primarily, you’ve made such a mess of everything you touch that I wouldn’t know where to begin to help you.

But, I have an idea that you may want to consider.

I’ve been trying to keep my news intake to a minimum lately, because the election makes me alternately want to laugh myself to death and vomit, and because most of the world is crazy, and because I can’t understand the reason for the existence of the Kardashians, and this whole Target restroom thing defies common sense. All that said, another issue has come up lately which I think I’d like to weigh in on… the life-altering question of “Who the heck should be on the 20-dollar bill?”.

Frankly, I’m not all that married to Andrew Jackson’s photo on the 20. Nor am I married to Harriet Tubman’s or any particular person’s photo on any particular denomination of money. The reality is, it’s not a big deal. It’s not really a deal at all; just pick someone, anyone and get on with it. But, I realize that you are, after all, the Federal Government, and it’s your role to find things that don’t matter and turn them into big issues. But, while it doesn’t actually matter who goes on the money, it seems to have become a deal for you. So I want to help you make this decision so you can get on with more important things like rigging Presidential primaries and stopping terrorists.

Here’s my plan – Personalized Vanity Currency. Or, PVC. Much like the personalized vanity license plates that are so popular here in CA and elsewhere, there is enough of an appeal to the narcissist in most of us, this thing could really take off. Here’s how it would work…

A person like me (although I would never do this) would choose a photo to put on a $20 dollar bill. Or any denomination;

The Treasury Department would have a Personalized Vanity Currency website, designed by the same I.T. geniuses who worked on the Obamacare thing;

I (or any narcissist) would upload their favorite photo to the site, pay the fee (the face value plus another $5 per bill) through PayPal, and enter their personal information. For those of you who struggle with math, that means a PVC 20-dollar bill would cost $25. Plus, you could probably come up with other taxes to impose. I’ll leave that up to you;

In 6-8 weeks, I (or whoever) will find my $20 bill in my mailbox. Or, hopefully, several $20 bills. I’d recommend a minimum order of some kind, otherwise you’ll have all these arrogant selfie-taking cheapskates ordering one dollar at a time.

And there you go. This could be a goldmine for the Federal Government, which as I understand, could use a goldmine about now. Another idea would be to make the Personalized Vanity Currency FREE of charge for the first six months to generate interest in the idea. If the costs prove to be prohibitive for that, Donald Trump would probably pay for it, and then he could get Mexico to reimburse him later.

OK – I hope that helps. I can’t solve very many of the Federal Government’s problems (for that matter, neither can the Federal Government). But something like this could prove to be the psychological win this country needs right now. Please get back to me if I can answer any questions about the PVC program or help in any other way.

Sincerely, etc etc