It’s all over the news today – Barack Obama is now secretly searching for a running mate. That’s the way it works; secret stuff is always all over the news.
Anyway, I’d just like to submit my name for consideration. There are several good qualifications I can bring to the ticket:
1. I can bring balance. I’m white, conservative, have a pretty normal name, and have never held any kind of public office. Obama is the opposite of all those things. I’m pretty sure that with my influence, I can bring in literally tens of voters.
2. Although I’m pretty busy most of the time, I also have kind of a flexible schedule. So I can probably work around my responsibilities here as a musician, and still do whatever it is that a vice-president does.
3. I’ve been to Washington DC (a month ago), and I wouldn’t mind spending more time there.
4. I’ve learned a lot by watching Dick Cheney, and I’m pretty sure I can continue his legacy – I enjoy being gruff and to the point with people, and I wouldn’t mind shooting someone once in a while.
5. I’ve spent a lot of time watching West Wing. In fact, I own the entire series on DVD. I feel by watching it, I’ve been pretty well trained for the position, and I’d be able to interject helpful anecdotes from the show whenever a crisis came up.
6. I can fix a piano. As far as I know, no US Vice-President has ever been able to do that. It might seem like a trivial thing, until you have a nice White House event planned, and suddenly your piano sounds bad. This is one of those little things that suddenly becomes a big thing, and I can keep this potential problem under control for you. I’d even give you a discount rate, and would be willing (maybe) to tune your own personal home piano, as well as the pianos of some of your friends and family. If you don’t happen to have a piano at home, I’d be willing to make recommendations for you.
7. I live next door to a Torrance City Council Member. I can probably ask for his advice if I/we run into problems.
There are probably many more reasons I could give, but this is a good start. If anyone could please pass this along to B.O., I’d be grateful. I’m kind of busy on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, part of Fridays, part of Saturdays, and Sunday mornings, and usually I have things going on Wednesday and Thursday nights. I’m at Borders on Monday mornings. But the rest of the time, I’m wide open and willing to meet with him anywhere he wants – as long as it’s not too far from where I live, because gas is kind of expensive right now.
Thanks for your consideration.